Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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