fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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