My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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