Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
