so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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