my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
i need some magic done to my vagina
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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