I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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