you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
