How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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