I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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