it was like his penis was on wheels.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
