Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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