You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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