This dress was meant to end up on your floor
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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