Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
