Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Just cropdusted the office
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
