No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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