I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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