I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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