She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
