Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
