I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
