remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
