im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
i think im in europe. pls send help
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
