So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
