My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
there was a trapeze. enough said
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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