Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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