I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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