Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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