He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
