I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
