She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
