I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
