Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
