Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
