I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
