My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
