i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
