twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
