She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
