there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
