I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
