please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
