Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
