I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
