3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
