Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
