I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
