I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
