I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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