I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
