I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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